Thinkin Bout Kids

Of late, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about my potential children and what they may be like. If you know me well, you know that I take the rearing of children very seriously. Particularly after my time working with maladjusted youth, I see the necessity of concerned, loving, involved parenting.

But there are some questions that arise, some of which definitely give me pause.

What if my child isn’t particularly smart?

I was my mother’s only child, so I don’t know how another kid would’ve turned out in my mother’s house. However, I know what kind of kid she produced. I was fiercely competitive and took my intellectual growth very seriously. I’ve been writing stories since I was first able to string together a sentence. When on punishment and unable to play outside, watch cartoons, draw or write stories, I read a dictionary cover to cover in ’92. When a new kid came to the school and touted him/herself as a “smart kid”, I took it as a challenge to surmount. And, honestly, I don’t know who/what I’d be if I weren’t so fiercely driven to be “smart”. I know some of this was fostered by a mother who tricked me into learning a wall full of vocabulary words before kindergarten (told me there was a test on day one), but I also know that there was something down on the inside that drove me. As soon as I knew that Ivy League schools existed, I decided that I was going to graduate from one. A school for smart people? That was THE place for me.

But what if my child shows no aptitude for intellectual endeavors?

I won’t know what to do with him. “Hey dad. I pulled off a C in Algebra.” WTF! I’ve worked with kids who had deficits intellectually, but they weren’t mine, so I wasn’t personally bothered by their inadequacies. However, I don’t know what’s going to happen if Donovan comes home from school talking about how he failed English or complains that he doesn’t see the purpose of learning about variables and constants. I do find solace, though, in the fact that intelligence has been found to have a hereditary component and a component of environment. So I’m hoping that, between the passage of genes (which is why I can’t reproduce with an underachiever) and my personal interest in fostering my child’s intellectual growth, this won’t even be a situation that I have to worry about.

What if my child is “bad”?

I don’t technically believe in bad seeds, but I’ve seen so many children who I deem out of control that the worry definitely worked its way into my head. If my son was prone to fight at school or talk back, how would I handle that? Now, I’m not talking about acute behaviors. I’m talking about patterns of behavior. I firmly believe that effective parenting circumvents having a “bad” child, but, if that’s true, are all of these people just not bothering to raise their children well? Is that why little Raheem curses like a grown man even though he’s 10? Is that why Ray-Ray comes in at 2am despite being 16? Or why Baby Girl is having her third kid at 15? Do we just need to take the rearing of our children seriously, or is there something else that needs to be done?

What if my child’s priorities, values and beliefs differ greatly from my own?

This is probably the question which concerns me least. Many people believe it is a parent’s job to pass on their values and beliefs to their children. Though I do believe in a certain amount of moral steering, I’m not sure if I agree with indoctrination. I fully intend to teach my children the fundamental pillars of my life philosophy (love, respect for life, belief in equality, etc.), but I don’t necessarily expect to produce a Donnie II. I’m much more interested in producing Donnie 2.0. More specifically, I want to provide a launching pad from which my child can grow and evolve. Do I want him to be as rigidly logical as I am? Not particularly. But do I want him to see the fallacy of illogical behaviors? Hell yes. Do I expect him to have my take on human/civil rights? Not particularly, but I won’t tolerate a racist, misogynist, homophobe, or anyone else who devalues the humanity of others in my house. On a lighter note, what if he is a sports fanatic? I don’t know the first thing about it, but I definitely know who in my social network (who will have a vested interest in my child’s success/growth) I can steer them toward in that situation. It’s a strange prospect, but I’m sure that I’ll be fine, even if my son turns out to reject elitism, embrace eastern religion, and prefer a simple life in Barcelona, Spain rather than pursuing a path that looks anything like mine (though he’s still going to Princeton regardless, lol).

I don’t know. There are just the kinds of thing I think about. Perhaps I’m neurotic, but I think if more of us pondered these questions, we’d be more prepared when we had our children, so we don’t have to be confused when our 6 year old kid can’t write his own name or when we have a child who wants to be a physicist and we don’t know the first thing about photons.

Using Prejudice/Stereotypes to Your “Benefit”

As an upwardly mobile Black man, I often float between multiple worlds, which view me very differently. It is more than clear to (nearly) any Black person that meets me that I am not (nor have I ever been) a thug. However, I have still experienced situations where white women clutched their purses while near me, whether I'm in a tee and jeans or a suit with my briefcase. It is quite a frustrating occurrence (though I'm sure there may be a rationale/logic of sorts behind the behavior) and often starts a Ludacris-Larenz Tate Crash conversation in my head. "If I'm viewed as a thug no matter how I present myself, no matter how I strive for excellence, no matter how personable I choose to be, what's the fucking point?" I generally move on quickly, because I have other reasons for my behaviors (financial security, my own general comfort, etc.). But it's still worth noting that the conversation crosses my mind, even 3 years after graduating from Princeton University.

In general, I'm not willing to be the coon that people think I am due to my bigblackman-ness, but I have found that I'm willing to feed into it for my own benefit on occasion. I've donned the angry black man aura to keep people from making small talk with me when I'm busy, to keep the conservationists handing out pamphlets on Michigan Avenue from even trying to hand me one, or even to keep the arrogant asshole at work from condescending to me when we interact (even though he's condescending to everyone else). And I guess, in a similar way, I have done so among certain Black people too. Because education/social class can be a touchy area, I've downplayed (or neglected to mention) some of my achievements to keep people comfortable. I didn't necessary play into the notparticularlybrightblackguy stereotype, but I definitely have played into the notparticularlyeducatedblackguy stereotype just to avoid the "Ohhhh, you're one of them" conversation. I just often feel as if it isn't worth it.

I often wonder how much harm that does to the greater move toward Black men being seen as people versus stereotypes. However, I would venture to say that anyone who assumes my corny ass is anything close to hood has no sense of the culture in the first place. AND (more importantly) I think it's ridiculous that Black people have to serve as cultural tutors for the mainstream culture.

On a related but different note, if I were drafted into the military, I think I'd make full use of Don't Ask, Don't Tell. I don't respect the policy, because it is clearly discriminatory and implies that homophobia is the accepted norm. But, on some level, I'm all for using it to my advantage. You don't want any homos in the military. Well, sorry, I'm a fairy, so I can't die for you. Let the homophobes take the bullets. I'll sit home and chill.

Again, I wonder how much harm this does to the cause, but I guess I think this is one area where I am willing to let people destroy themselves to make a point. If sexuality is sufficiently important to the military or the general American public to warrant turning away willing soldiers just because they are gay, I'd never put my life on the line in any war the US military decides to wage. For me, that would be aiding my oppressor and I'd rather not.

Expectation of Racism = Racist?

In the wake of President Obama’s election and AG Holder’s comments regarding America’s cowardice in discussing race, there has a been firestorm of “Get over slavery. Get over the past. Get over yourselves.” rhetoric lobbed at African Americans. I’ve read many comments to the tune of “Slavery has been over for 200 years. You weren’t there, so why are you so concerned about it?” and “You guys should stop complaining. We elected a Black guy for President.”

Bringing the conversation a bit closer to home, multiple statements have been made to or about me with regards to my race. A coworker (in fact, someone who was technically a mentor for me) once asked me if I could communicate to my “brothers and sisters how to be both in touch with their race without holding onto all the bad parts”. He then commented that I, like his Mexican wife, was an exceptional minority and he hoped I could smack some sense into my other minority coworkers, who couldn’t “see the big picture”. Given my blank expression, he followed with “Or am I being Tom the Dumb Priveleged White Guy by even asking this question?” Clearly, he knew my response before I spoke a word.

On another occasion, an older white woman commented to her granddaughter who, while sitting next to me on a train, managed to hit me with her American Girl dolls and accessories no less than 30 times in a 45 minute train ride to Gary, “He should be in a much better mood. I mean, we just elected a Black president. He should be grateful.” Now, anyone who knows me knows I am less than tactful when disrespected, so of course “Are you fucking kidding me?” was my response to her statement, that I guess she assumed 1. I hadn’t heard or 2. I wasn’t man enough (not that I really believe in being “man enough” to do anything) to respond to.

When I hear people reject conversations about race, make comments about being post-racial given Obama’s election, make racially insensitive remarks, or assert my “Magic/Good Negro”-ness, I may or may not respond. However, I am never surprised. When someone remarks (verbally or noverbally) on how surprised they are at my manner of speech or seek my agreement in their blanket statements about what Black people ought/need to do, I’m often annoyed, but it is something that I’ve come to expect. People are uncomfortable with conversations which make them feel guilty, bad, or any other negative emotion, even if it’s not the intention of the conversation.

When AG Holder commented on America being a nation of cowards in regards to racial conversation, many people heard it as “White people are cowards” and blew up in response, when he was actually talking about all of us. He was talking about Black students who find it easier to sit together at lunch rather than sit with their Asian friend from PSY 101 or their white buddy from high school. He was talking about Whites who shut down when slavery is mentioned as a problematic part of American History. He was talking about everyone who says, “Why don’t we have a [my group here] Heritage month?” even though they may. (I work for the state, so I see signs for every kind of history/appreciation/cultural month every day when I enter work.)

This orientation (expecting racism) works for me, because it allows me to avoid slicing people up with my words every few days and living up to the Angry Black Man title. But my ex said that my approach was problematic and potentially even racist, because I don’t give non-Black people the benefit of the doubt. (To clarify, I don’t give Black people the benefit of the doubt either. I know that ignorance is an equal opportunity infestation.)

So I ask the question, “Is the expectation of racism racist?”

Defining Moments

When I was about 10 or 11, I said to myself, "Wow, my generation has NOTHING special about it to speak of. Nothing has happened. What will be remembered?"

Years later, we had Columbine, 9/11, and the Columbia explosion. I don't remember the moment that I heard about Columbine, but I clearly remember feeling that it was a generation-defining moment. More clearly, I can recall the moments where I heard about 9/11 and the Columbia explosion. On 9/11, I went to breakfast with some homies and then was hanging out at my boy's house watchin tv when our other friend came in and turned the TV to the news. We thought it was a movie, but it was NYC. I can't even say it hit me that hard personally, but I knew it was a generation-defining moment. The Columbia explosion is also a very clear memory for me. I was getting ready to go to bed on a Saturday morning after hanging out all night with a buddy and I heard the breaking news. I was so sleepy that I didn't believe it was real. But, after hearing it again, I had to sit on my bed and soberly take in what had just happened.

Whenever I tell this story regarding my 10 y/o assertion and the following calamities, people tend to say joking to me "Damn, what did you wish upon us?" But every joke has a hint of truth, and it honestly seemed as though my generation's time on Earth would be marked only by negative occurrences.

However, sitting here this morning, I have to smile about the latest generation-defining moment. When I heard Barack Obama's speech in 2004, I was shaken to my core by this man's words. I had heard of him before, but I had never heard him speak. However, that day, his message of inclusion and unity hit me like a ton of bricks. I had never been so inspired before. Immediately, friends began to say this man would be the first Black president and that he should definitely run for office in 2008. As an optimistic realist (emphasis on the realist), I raised an eyebrow and said, "Maybe in 2012, but 2008 is too soon." However, as I watched the faces of many non-Blacks in the audience who were also awe-struck by this man, I had to question my own feelings about this.

Time passed and 2008 was quickly approaching, and, as expected, this man who had shaken my spirit with his words in 2004 announced his run for the presidency of the United States. As a Black man who has experienced overt and covert racism, I have to admit that I was skeptical about whether the people of this nation were ready to embrace the notion of a Black head of state. As his candidacy moved forward, I was optimistic, but still fearful for this man. However, it increasingly seemed more possible that America might be ready to make a radical move forward. Indeed, as I mailed my absentee ballot, I believed that it was a drop in a bucket that would be unmoved. I grew up in Indiana, a VERY red state at the time, so I felt that I was just sending my blue ballot to sit somewhere with minimal effect.

But on November 4, as they began to report the poll results, things became so real. State after state turned blue on the CNN maps and then they announced that Barack Obama had won the presidency. I can't even say that it was necessarily real to me at that moment, but a pride and joy filled my heart. And when I heard that Indiana turned blue this election cycle, it became even clearer that people were ready for something new.

Real Men

Remember “Independent Women” by Destiny’s Child? Every Black woman was so proud to say how much they didn’t need a man. They could pay their own bills. They could buy their own this and that. I smiled with delight, because I believed that a woman was fully capable of doing for herself without a man. Hell, I was raised by a single mother, so I’m more than aware of the strength, will, and ingenuity of a Black woman.

Even though the song irritated me to all hell for its cheering of things that I thought were standard, even Lil Boosie had an anthem for the independent woman. And, again, women were touting their independence. And I, again, smiled with delight.

However, something must have happened since that day. Apparently, independence is no longer hot. Somehow it was been supplanted by the necessity for a “real man”. Allow me to define. This weekend, it was explained to me that a real man believes that a woman should be equal to him, but he still desires to take care of her needs. Even though she works and makes money, she shouldn’t have to spend it on the bills the couple acquires or, God forbid, something for the man. A real man doesn’t need or want a woman to do anything for him that requires finances other than his own.

I don’t know what happened, but I sure wish it would reverse. I’m all about treating the person special to you in a special way, but mandated ATM status isn’t appetizing to me. On some level, it reeks of selfishness and double standards. To be clear, I also don’t believe that a woman is mandated to cook for her man, clean up after him, or elsewise maintain the lion’s share of the household duties, but that’s because I’m more than comfortable with taking care of myself (not that I turn away any spoiling).

An older woman once told me that I was too independent and that it would make a woman feel unneeded. I guess I personally prefer to be needed for emotional reasons versus financial or domestic task-related reasons, but to each, his/her own.