I believe that one who is to be great must surround himself with great people. As such, I always encourage those people in my life who I see as future leaders to make a conscious effort to deal with other future leaders. And I try to do the same in my life. *Sigh* So I should be happy that a good friend who wants to pursue a life in the Academe has made substantial in-roads with several up-and-coming academics. However, one particular connection that he has made has my eyes green and I really don't know what to do with myself in this respect. Let me explain. Anyone who knows me can point to three particular groups to which I belong in which I have substantial pride. I love being Black. I love being a non-heterosexual male. And I LOVE being an intellectual. And it is the intersection of these identities which informs and shapes my desires. More to the point, I pride myself in being a black SGL intellectual and therefore long for close relationships with other black SGL intellectuals. And here our problem begins.
My friend is a heterosexual black intellectual and he, given the fact that he is still at Princeton, has been able to make connections with many people since I left the place, including a particular Black gay male intellectual with whom I would like to make in-roads. Now I'm not jealous on a level where I would not want them to be friends and colleagues. However, I am envious of my friend and wish I could somehow share in this.
EDIT: So, after re-reading this, I see it sounds kinda crazy. LOL. But, given some context, hopefully it will sound less so. There is a seeming scarcity of Black gay male intellectuals, particularly younger ones. This intersection of race, sex, sexuality, and generation forms a specific sort of imaginary and therefore allows for a different sort of conversation surrounding certain issues than would occur with older Black gay intellectuals, Black lesbians, White gay intellectuals, etc. It is due to this scarcity that I am envious of my friend. I simply wish that I could have made a similar connection when I was an undergrad.
And to the obvious question of why I can't just have my friend introduce us...maybe I'll just ask him and that might solve my problem. :-)
Thursday, December 14, 2006
Friday, November 24, 2006
From a Phone Call...
You know, you never quite know what you think of someone until they call you and you don't really feel like being bothered. That tends to really give you a bit of insight into where they sit with you. Actually, rather than talking broadly and posing a theory, I'm just going to talk personally.
There's been times where I was at my wit's end with life, been down in the dumps, swamped by school, or whatever else, and my phone will ring. I look at the display and see [x person]'s name and I pick up. Though I am not in the mood to talk, hearing from them makes me feel slightly better and my day is improved. That shows me how much I care about and like these people. However, my revelations in this circumstance aren't always so beaming or positive.
So I dated this one kid when I was a senior in high school. He was a cute ass kid. All the way real, I was really feeling the dude and he was nice to have around. He came from a well-to-do family and seemed to have at least a rudimentary appreciation for hard work and intelligence. He was extremely feminine, something that I didn't at the time find attractive, but he grew on me quickly. So yeah, it worked out fine for a while. Then I graduated, left for Princeton, and we broke up. We continued to deal with one another off and on for the next year or two and then just fell off.
Now, I always held this kid in fairly high esteem, because of what he meant to me back then and the (seemingly) genuine love he always showed me. Though we effectively lost touch, I was able to catch up with him once in the spring of my senior year in college. We only talked briefly, but it was clear that he no longer held me in the place he had previously. That made me a little sad, but it was ultimately inconsequential, because I wasn't interested in rekindling anything.
So fast-forward to today. He calls my house on some faggot shit, like, "I heard you were talking about us in front of some fish." First off, niggas who say "fish" are a turn-off. Secondly, don't call me with bullshit out of the blue. So I quickly dismantle the lie his friend told him and then he goes into this "Oh, well, I just called to check on you" shit. I hung the phone up and the fact that I had just talked to him kinda made my stomach hurt. My first thought was "That's not the kid I fell for 5 years ago." Then I rethought it and said, "I'm so glad I'm not the same guy who fell for this kid 5 years ago."
There's been times where I was at my wit's end with life, been down in the dumps, swamped by school, or whatever else, and my phone will ring. I look at the display and see [x person]'s name and I pick up. Though I am not in the mood to talk, hearing from them makes me feel slightly better and my day is improved. That shows me how much I care about and like these people. However, my revelations in this circumstance aren't always so beaming or positive.
So I dated this one kid when I was a senior in high school. He was a cute ass kid. All the way real, I was really feeling the dude and he was nice to have around. He came from a well-to-do family and seemed to have at least a rudimentary appreciation for hard work and intelligence. He was extremely feminine, something that I didn't at the time find attractive, but he grew on me quickly. So yeah, it worked out fine for a while. Then I graduated, left for Princeton, and we broke up. We continued to deal with one another off and on for the next year or two and then just fell off.
Now, I always held this kid in fairly high esteem, because of what he meant to me back then and the (seemingly) genuine love he always showed me. Though we effectively lost touch, I was able to catch up with him once in the spring of my senior year in college. We only talked briefly, but it was clear that he no longer held me in the place he had previously. That made me a little sad, but it was ultimately inconsequential, because I wasn't interested in rekindling anything.
So fast-forward to today. He calls my house on some faggot shit, like, "I heard you were talking about us in front of some fish." First off, niggas who say "fish" are a turn-off. Secondly, don't call me with bullshit out of the blue. So I quickly dismantle the lie his friend told him and then he goes into this "Oh, well, I just called to check on you" shit. I hung the phone up and the fact that I had just talked to him kinda made my stomach hurt. My first thought was "That's not the kid I fell for 5 years ago." Then I rethought it and said, "I'm so glad I'm not the same guy who fell for this kid 5 years ago."
Monday, November 20, 2006
Survivor's Guilt
Interestingly enough, I always find myself dreading the mention of molestation when it comes to homosexuals, especially ones who I respect as strong men. So many in the heterosexist machine insist that homosexuals are simply sexually confused due to the intervention of older homosexual men during their youth. And every time I hear strong gay brotha mention that he was molested, I feel like that reinforces this idea and calls the validity of my sexuality into question. I can't say that I'm a rape victim or that I was molested as a child. There weren't any gay men around me when I was a child, especially not in my family. There was this guy that I think is bi, but he knew my fam would've skinned him if he even thought about it. So yeah, some of us are fresh from the womb. No creepy old man touched me when I was six, therefore sending me into this life. Hell, whereas most people figure out their sexuality in college, I was working through this shit in elementary. I spent third and fourth grade trying to convince myself that I wasn't bi, but was just curious about seeing other cat's meat. LOL. Now that I'm grown, I know MUCH better. But I can't help but have a little survivor's guilt tho, so to speak.
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
A Lot to Cover
It's been a minute, so there's a whole lot that I need to cover.
Alone at Xmas
I've long heard that the holidays are a very lonely time for many people. Depressions is often at its highest around the winter holidays, and, though I understood intellectually, I could never truly wrap my mind around the depths of the depression that these times can garner.
Now that I'm a bit older and more apt to have friends who are involved in serious relationships, it is much clearer. It is really nice to give and receive gifts with a special someone on X-mas. I know that very often I'm out shopping and see things that I would love to buy for someone else, but...it's just not a possibility right now. As much as one of my boys could probably appreciate a 300 dollar leather jacket, I just can't imagine doing that right now. (Now this isn't to say that it won't happen ever, but it'll likely be the case after we pass 25 and we all have a much higher account balances in the bank.) And I can only imagine how nice it is to cook Thanksgiving dinner with th eone you love or lie down with them on Christmas eve and then wake up together to exchange gifts that following morning. I've past the age of rushing downstairs to open gifts, so there has to be something else to highlight the joy of Christmas. Eh, maybe next year.
Bookstore Kid
Okay, so catch this. Sunday, after church, a friend and I went out to lunch and then stopped by the Christian Bookstore near the restaurant. Now my friend has 2 daughters, a 1-year-old and a 7-year-old. So the 1-year-old runs off and I hear her sister run after her. Then I hear another girl's voice in the next aisle over talking to them. As I round the corner to stop the running child, I don't see the source of the other little girl's voice. I just see a little boy with his grandmother. So I wonder, Is this the kid I heard? Well, his grandmother tells him to go put a book back and then all is revealed. Playboy had the sassiest walk of any little boy that I've known and I knew some FLAMERS when I was growing up. The wrist was at work and all that and he definitely did have a lighter voice. And the first thing to cross my mind was, I know his grandmother probably gets really tired of all the whispers at church (cuz you know how black folks in the Church do). Then, more poignantly, I thought, This boy has a long, hard road ahead of him, particularly given his possible relationship to the Church and what kind of psychological damage it can wreak upon a young SGL man.
But there was at least one ray of light in this story. So later on, the boy was playing with my friend's two daughters and the oldest daughter says to him, "You have a girl's voice." I wasn't sufficiently close to tell her that's not something you say to people. But, as we do, he shut her down...and quickly. He responded, "Umm...no, I don't. Different boys have different voices. I thought EVERYONE knew that. Duh!" LOL. I laughed so hard inside but I also smiled, because, though he will have a difficult time ahead given his effeminate ways, he is not afraid to defend himself from the ignorance of heterosexuals.
Shedding Skin
So there are quite a few people that I've grown out of since I finished high school. More specifically, the stark difference between my surroundings growing up and my environment during my college years caused me to grow in interesting sorts of ways (Shout out to Dr. Eddie Glaude; that's his favorite phrase). And these changes have put me at odds with people who I had previously considered close friends. This is not to say that I have changed and now feel that I am better than them, because I find such valuations to be ego-based and subjective. However, I am arguing that the exposure to more views of the world that I gained while in college have changed how I view things and now former friends and I see the world and therefore our places in it very differently. With that said, I present to you the following three situations.
Ummm...Is that Syphillis?
So there is one friend that I hadn't seen since I've been home (almost 5 months). Supposedly, he and I were close, yet he had been unable to make time to see me. He spent his time, instead, with this guy or that guy and actually cancelled on me once because he was at a nigga's house. So, long story short, I was quite done with that situation, but he decided that he would do better and make a concerted effort to see me. (Hooray for me...*vomits*) So he comes by last week. We hug, as we do usually, and sit down to watch television. Back in the day, he and I had a romp or two, so the possibility of that happening this day was there in theory. However, I wasn't necessarily looking for that nor did I have any real intention of it happening. But before I knew it, he was trying to lay up on me.
But quickly...I got my confirmation that nothing could, should, or would go down this night. His hair looked odd...thinner than usual in some places...almost like patches had fallen out. A bit odd, right? And my first thought was "This motherfucker has syphillis." But that could've been anything, so said, "I'll look at his hands. If they are dry and spotted, he definitely has it. If not, he probably doesn't." Well....he did. And it took everything in me not to get offended. Nigga, you have syphallis yet you are trying to be all laid up with me. Even worse, you have the nerve to start touching my leg as if you're going to touch my dick. Come on, man. We are better than that. Spreading STD's is not cool, particularly when you have CLEAR signs. This isn't like someone having an STD that is lying dormant and they accidentally pass it on. This is an STD in stage 2 and you are trying to lay up with me.
Now this definitely annoyed me because it put my health at risk. But, more important to my point, when did we become sexually reckless? Contracting an STD is bad. However, people make mistakes. People close to me have made the mistake and I don't think they are bad people. However, regular testing for STD's is a necessity and checking out any odd body changes is surely part of the lifestyle when you are sexually active [particularly if you don't know the STD status of your partner(s)], and the fact that he could've given me an STD because of his own negligence scares me and makes me wonder if we really view sexual health and the responsibilities that accompany physical intimacy in the same way.
Christians
I grew up in the Black Church. Originally, I was a Baptist. Then I attended some cultish charismatic church for a few years, and then I found myself in the Church of God in Christ. Going point by point through the hypocrisies and psychoses inherent in each would be more writing than I am willing to do at this moment, but suffice it to say that I saw my fair share of moral superiority, hate-filled rhetoric, and small-mindedness. And, in that time, I made some friends who were brainwashed into this sort of thinking...the sort of thinking that decries White racism but looks past Black racism, the sort of thinking that sees fault in lying and fornication but advocates hatred and looks past violence against homosexuals, or even the kind of thinking that blames gays and other sinners for the downfall of America.
So, anyway, being around these people is increasingly difficult given the fact that I've been exposed to people who think much differently, people who are much more concerned with what one is doing to better himself than how similar one is to him/herself (though I have found my fair share of intelligent people who fall prey to the same pitfalls). I find it so difficult to sit around these people as they spout shit they haven't put any real thought into and simply regurgitate what this person or that person has told them. I was never really able to think like they do, but now I can barely even stand to be around them when they start to speak.
Moral Differences
There are certain things I don't believe in, because of my commitment to the equal and just treatment of people. I believe in forthright communication, honest interactions, and many other ideals which seem odd in our culture of deception and semblances of the truth. Therefore, I have a serious problem maintaining friendships with people who are dishonest or deceptive. More to the point, I find it difficult to be friends with people who mistreat their romantic partners (e.g. cheating, lying, etc.). For many people, this isn't sufficient cause to end a friendship, but how can you trust someone who cannot be honest/decent with someone they claim to love? Feel me?
Alone at Xmas
I've long heard that the holidays are a very lonely time for many people. Depressions is often at its highest around the winter holidays, and, though I understood intellectually, I could never truly wrap my mind around the depths of the depression that these times can garner.
Now that I'm a bit older and more apt to have friends who are involved in serious relationships, it is much clearer. It is really nice to give and receive gifts with a special someone on X-mas. I know that very often I'm out shopping and see things that I would love to buy for someone else, but...it's just not a possibility right now. As much as one of my boys could probably appreciate a 300 dollar leather jacket, I just can't imagine doing that right now. (Now this isn't to say that it won't happen ever, but it'll likely be the case after we pass 25 and we all have a much higher account balances in the bank.) And I can only imagine how nice it is to cook Thanksgiving dinner with th eone you love or lie down with them on Christmas eve and then wake up together to exchange gifts that following morning. I've past the age of rushing downstairs to open gifts, so there has to be something else to highlight the joy of Christmas. Eh, maybe next year.
Bookstore Kid
Okay, so catch this. Sunday, after church, a friend and I went out to lunch and then stopped by the Christian Bookstore near the restaurant. Now my friend has 2 daughters, a 1-year-old and a 7-year-old. So the 1-year-old runs off and I hear her sister run after her. Then I hear another girl's voice in the next aisle over talking to them. As I round the corner to stop the running child, I don't see the source of the other little girl's voice. I just see a little boy with his grandmother. So I wonder, Is this the kid I heard? Well, his grandmother tells him to go put a book back and then all is revealed. Playboy had the sassiest walk of any little boy that I've known and I knew some FLAMERS when I was growing up. The wrist was at work and all that and he definitely did have a lighter voice. And the first thing to cross my mind was, I know his grandmother probably gets really tired of all the whispers at church (cuz you know how black folks in the Church do). Then, more poignantly, I thought, This boy has a long, hard road ahead of him, particularly given his possible relationship to the Church and what kind of psychological damage it can wreak upon a young SGL man.
But there was at least one ray of light in this story. So later on, the boy was playing with my friend's two daughters and the oldest daughter says to him, "You have a girl's voice." I wasn't sufficiently close to tell her that's not something you say to people. But, as we do, he shut her down...and quickly. He responded, "Umm...no, I don't. Different boys have different voices. I thought EVERYONE knew that. Duh!" LOL. I laughed so hard inside but I also smiled, because, though he will have a difficult time ahead given his effeminate ways, he is not afraid to defend himself from the ignorance of heterosexuals.
Shedding Skin
So there are quite a few people that I've grown out of since I finished high school. More specifically, the stark difference between my surroundings growing up and my environment during my college years caused me to grow in interesting sorts of ways (Shout out to Dr. Eddie Glaude; that's his favorite phrase). And these changes have put me at odds with people who I had previously considered close friends. This is not to say that I have changed and now feel that I am better than them, because I find such valuations to be ego-based and subjective. However, I am arguing that the exposure to more views of the world that I gained while in college have changed how I view things and now former friends and I see the world and therefore our places in it very differently. With that said, I present to you the following three situations.
Ummm...Is that Syphillis?
So there is one friend that I hadn't seen since I've been home (almost 5 months). Supposedly, he and I were close, yet he had been unable to make time to see me. He spent his time, instead, with this guy or that guy and actually cancelled on me once because he was at a nigga's house. So, long story short, I was quite done with that situation, but he decided that he would do better and make a concerted effort to see me. (Hooray for me...*vomits*) So he comes by last week. We hug, as we do usually, and sit down to watch television. Back in the day, he and I had a romp or two, so the possibility of that happening this day was there in theory. However, I wasn't necessarily looking for that nor did I have any real intention of it happening. But before I knew it, he was trying to lay up on me.
But quickly...I got my confirmation that nothing could, should, or would go down this night. His hair looked odd...thinner than usual in some places...almost like patches had fallen out. A bit odd, right? And my first thought was "This motherfucker has syphillis." But that could've been anything, so said, "I'll look at his hands. If they are dry and spotted, he definitely has it. If not, he probably doesn't." Well....he did. And it took everything in me not to get offended. Nigga, you have syphallis yet you are trying to be all laid up with me. Even worse, you have the nerve to start touching my leg as if you're going to touch my dick. Come on, man. We are better than that. Spreading STD's is not cool, particularly when you have CLEAR signs. This isn't like someone having an STD that is lying dormant and they accidentally pass it on. This is an STD in stage 2 and you are trying to lay up with me.
Now this definitely annoyed me because it put my health at risk. But, more important to my point, when did we become sexually reckless? Contracting an STD is bad. However, people make mistakes. People close to me have made the mistake and I don't think they are bad people. However, regular testing for STD's is a necessity and checking out any odd body changes is surely part of the lifestyle when you are sexually active [particularly if you don't know the STD status of your partner(s)], and the fact that he could've given me an STD because of his own negligence scares me and makes me wonder if we really view sexual health and the responsibilities that accompany physical intimacy in the same way.
Christians
I grew up in the Black Church. Originally, I was a Baptist. Then I attended some cultish charismatic church for a few years, and then I found myself in the Church of God in Christ. Going point by point through the hypocrisies and psychoses inherent in each would be more writing than I am willing to do at this moment, but suffice it to say that I saw my fair share of moral superiority, hate-filled rhetoric, and small-mindedness. And, in that time, I made some friends who were brainwashed into this sort of thinking...the sort of thinking that decries White racism but looks past Black racism, the sort of thinking that sees fault in lying and fornication but advocates hatred and looks past violence against homosexuals, or even the kind of thinking that blames gays and other sinners for the downfall of America.
So, anyway, being around these people is increasingly difficult given the fact that I've been exposed to people who think much differently, people who are much more concerned with what one is doing to better himself than how similar one is to him/herself (though I have found my fair share of intelligent people who fall prey to the same pitfalls). I find it so difficult to sit around these people as they spout shit they haven't put any real thought into and simply regurgitate what this person or that person has told them. I was never really able to think like they do, but now I can barely even stand to be around them when they start to speak.
Moral Differences
There are certain things I don't believe in, because of my commitment to the equal and just treatment of people. I believe in forthright communication, honest interactions, and many other ideals which seem odd in our culture of deception and semblances of the truth. Therefore, I have a serious problem maintaining friendships with people who are dishonest or deceptive. More to the point, I find it difficult to be friends with people who mistreat their romantic partners (e.g. cheating, lying, etc.). For many people, this isn't sufficient cause to end a friendship, but how can you trust someone who cannot be honest/decent with someone they claim to love? Feel me?
Friday, October 13, 2006
Focus
So I'm applying to grad programs, which means that I need to clarify for these people what I want to do and what interests me. Therein lies a major problem. In graduate school, you are generally paired with a professor, and, more often than not, you two should have similar interests so the professor can be of a substantial help to you in your research (and vice versa). However, the majority of my interests fall outside of the normal range of interests. I could study how race affects clinical diagnoses, but do I really give much of a damn about that? Maybe I could study how societal constructs of normative behavior affect diagnoses cross-culturally. This is particularly interesting to me, given the former classification of homosexuality and current classfication of transgender identity as psychological conditions in the DSM-IV, but I guess I could also look at the differences in psychotic diagnoses in the context of certain religious practices. I don't know though, because I really want to study the effect of perceived homophobia on rates of depression in black gay male adolescents, but it's difficult to find a professor at a notable university who does such research, cares to be involved with such research, or is willing to help with such work. Sigh, I don't know.
Thursday, October 05, 2006
7 Days Late
Sunday Night
So the plan was actually to write this Sunday night/Monday morning, but better late than never...I think. LOL. So yeah, Sunday night was turning into a typical boring night. I was chilling, talking to the annoying guy I'd like to be free of when my ex called me on my cell. So I picked up and I could tell he was kinda down. I proposed we go out and do something, because I knew he could use the company and I could use the escape from my house. It was such an emotional shift, going from talking to the annoying guy to my ex. With the annoying guy, I kinda just sit on the phone as he talks about himself and whines about my refusal to play into his self-congratulatory rants. But when my ex called, I was genuinely happy to hear from him and we made plans to hit up BoysTown.
So, after I end the call, I go back to the other call and the guy says "Oh, so you and your man going out tonight? I don't want to impede your good time." Mofucka please! 1. That whole "your man" business is hella childish. Don't try to tell me what the relationship is between me and someone else, because you aren't getting what you want out of me. I'm sorry that you are emotionally void and therefore uninteresting and someone else actually has a personality and a heart. 2. You coulnd't impede my time if you wanted to. I'm notorious for ending calls and subsequently turning my cell phone off.
Anyway, I quickly ended that call, so I could freshen up and make myself presentable for some time in the gayborhood. My ex was teally going thru it apparently. He was going thru some things or, probably more accurately, ending some things with a person he had been involved with. So things were somewhat tense initially, but he can't keep that up with me. Our bond is one that makes both of us happy, so 15 minutes into the trip, we were laughing and smiling as usual. We hit up the IHOP on N. Halsted ("the gay IHOP") and did a combination of enjoying the fuck out of our meals (pumpkin pancakes for me and banana cheesecake for him) and people-watching. We had a really good time and I was especially happy to see him happy. The trip home was faster than I would have preferred, but it's cool. We still had an amazing time. MUCH better than sitting on the phone and someone talks about how great he thinks he is.
Another Ex
In March 05, I met a really cool dude that I was really feeling. Light skinned, 5'9, amazing body, beautiful smile, trained tenor voice, plans to teach music, amazing kisser. Anyway, we liked each other, but we couldn't date, because he wasn't over his ex. Fast forward to the present and they are living together. Things are going moderately well for them, but it's a relationship so things go wrong from time to time. Anyway, I was talking to the guy and we just really started to talk about the joy that can come from a truly honest and giving relationship. Before I knew it, he was on the brink of tears and it was really a reassurance that I am the sort of man I had believed and it really reinforced that a good man can be appreciated. :-D And that made me smile.
So the plan was actually to write this Sunday night/Monday morning, but better late than never...I think. LOL. So yeah, Sunday night was turning into a typical boring night. I was chilling, talking to the annoying guy I'd like to be free of when my ex called me on my cell. So I picked up and I could tell he was kinda down. I proposed we go out and do something, because I knew he could use the company and I could use the escape from my house. It was such an emotional shift, going from talking to the annoying guy to my ex. With the annoying guy, I kinda just sit on the phone as he talks about himself and whines about my refusal to play into his self-congratulatory rants. But when my ex called, I was genuinely happy to hear from him and we made plans to hit up BoysTown.
So, after I end the call, I go back to the other call and the guy says "Oh, so you and your man going out tonight? I don't want to impede your good time." Mofucka please! 1. That whole "your man" business is hella childish. Don't try to tell me what the relationship is between me and someone else, because you aren't getting what you want out of me. I'm sorry that you are emotionally void and therefore uninteresting and someone else actually has a personality and a heart. 2. You coulnd't impede my time if you wanted to. I'm notorious for ending calls and subsequently turning my cell phone off.
Anyway, I quickly ended that call, so I could freshen up and make myself presentable for some time in the gayborhood. My ex was teally going thru it apparently. He was going thru some things or, probably more accurately, ending some things with a person he had been involved with. So things were somewhat tense initially, but he can't keep that up with me. Our bond is one that makes both of us happy, so 15 minutes into the trip, we were laughing and smiling as usual. We hit up the IHOP on N. Halsted ("the gay IHOP") and did a combination of enjoying the fuck out of our meals (pumpkin pancakes for me and banana cheesecake for him) and people-watching. We had a really good time and I was especially happy to see him happy. The trip home was faster than I would have preferred, but it's cool. We still had an amazing time. MUCH better than sitting on the phone and someone talks about how great he thinks he is.
Another Ex
In March 05, I met a really cool dude that I was really feeling. Light skinned, 5'9, amazing body, beautiful smile, trained tenor voice, plans to teach music, amazing kisser. Anyway, we liked each other, but we couldn't date, because he wasn't over his ex. Fast forward to the present and they are living together. Things are going moderately well for them, but it's a relationship so things go wrong from time to time. Anyway, I was talking to the guy and we just really started to talk about the joy that can come from a truly honest and giving relationship. Before I knew it, he was on the brink of tears and it was really a reassurance that I am the sort of man I had believed and it really reinforced that a good man can be appreciated. :-D And that made me smile.
Sunday, October 01, 2006
...Fresh in from Church
So...I'm just getting home from church. And, while I was there, I remembered why I used to avoid the place. And, no, I wasn't afraid of condemnation and I wasn't afraid that somebody might know that I dealt with men. I wasn't tired of the old church ladies talking to me like they didn't have any good sense. But the thing that made me very wary about going into the church was...church boys. And I'm referring to two specific sorts.
First, you have the guys who have been in the church for God-knows-how-long and they managed to sneak under the radar. So now they are free to do their dirt because everyone knows Brother So-and-So is saved. They may be on the praise team or part of the band (as they usually are) or they may even be a minister now, but you know that they are freaks on the low. These guys are always loved by the pastor and ministers. They are held in the highest esteem by the congregation at large. They are usually fairly attractive and well-built. They have dated or may be currently dating one of the pretty saved girls, but you ran across them one time in the gay chat on BlackPlanet and they've been trying to serve you dick/ass ever since. Or worse, if you grew up in the church, they tried something with you once when you shared a room at the regional church conference. But, at the end of the day, they are wayyyy to confused about their sexuality for you to consider anything long-term with them.
Second, you have these really sexy guys who are also really devoted to the ministry. They are the right hand men to the ministers, but they are so fucking sexy. Dark, beautiful eyes. Smooth skin. Full lips. Bubble butts. But they are the emissaries of God, so lusting for them is REALLY bad. And, if you do manage to get one, you have pissed off God and that's never a good idea.
Oh, church boys, why do you taunt me?
First, you have the guys who have been in the church for God-knows-how-long and they managed to sneak under the radar. So now they are free to do their dirt because everyone knows Brother So-and-So is saved. They may be on the praise team or part of the band (as they usually are) or they may even be a minister now, but you know that they are freaks on the low. These guys are always loved by the pastor and ministers. They are held in the highest esteem by the congregation at large. They are usually fairly attractive and well-built. They have dated or may be currently dating one of the pretty saved girls, but you ran across them one time in the gay chat on BlackPlanet and they've been trying to serve you dick/ass ever since. Or worse, if you grew up in the church, they tried something with you once when you shared a room at the regional church conference. But, at the end of the day, they are wayyyy to confused about their sexuality for you to consider anything long-term with them.
Second, you have these really sexy guys who are also really devoted to the ministry. They are the right hand men to the ministers, but they are so fucking sexy. Dark, beautiful eyes. Smooth skin. Full lips. Bubble butts. But they are the emissaries of God, so lusting for them is REALLY bad. And, if you do manage to get one, you have pissed off God and that's never a good idea.
Oh, church boys, why do you taunt me?
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Never the Right One
Excerpt from an IM conversation tonight:
"Dude: hey its not like im some prize pig
Me: that depends on who's looking at u
Dude: well its not the right ppl
Me: that i can believe"
If it's not abundantly clear, I really like this dude. He's an ex of mine and being around him really makes me happy. He isn't necessarily the typical cat that I go for. He isn't particularly brilliant or industrious (thought he is caramel-complected with a small frame), but he has a genuine spirit and he makes me happy. He likes it when I'm smiling and he's not comfortable when I'm not happy. And I'm head over heels for this cat, but (as we can see in the conversation) I'm not the right person. And, though this isn't the first time someone has told me that they want someone...but just not me, it really hurt tonight. I won't say that I love kid like that, but I care a whole lot and I just really wanted him to be able to return it yo. I really did...
I guess this is particularly interesting given my previous post for today. Maybe I am crazy for not investing in looks like everyone else. But I can only be me...Eh.
"Dude: hey its not like im some prize pig
Me: that depends on who's looking at u
Dude: well its not the right ppl
Me: that i can believe"
If it's not abundantly clear, I really like this dude. He's an ex of mine and being around him really makes me happy. He isn't necessarily the typical cat that I go for. He isn't particularly brilliant or industrious (thought he is caramel-complected with a small frame), but he has a genuine spirit and he makes me happy. He likes it when I'm smiling and he's not comfortable when I'm not happy. And I'm head over heels for this cat, but (as we can see in the conversation) I'm not the right person. And, though this isn't the first time someone has told me that they want someone...but just not me, it really hurt tonight. I won't say that I love kid like that, but I care a whole lot and I just really wanted him to be able to return it yo. I really did...
I guess this is particularly interesting given my previous post for today. Maybe I am crazy for not investing in looks like everyone else. But I can only be me...Eh.
...On Corporeal Capital
In this life and particularly in the black non-heterosexual lifestyle, the value of aesthetic beauty is simply undeniable. Studies show that people who are seen as more attractive are more likely to be viewed favorably in job interviews and thus have an increased capacity for career advancement and the associated success. Obviously, aesthetic beauty increases one's ability to find a suitable (whatever that means) mate, even if only expanding the pool of interested 2nd parties. It has also been argued that many people prefer friends (of either sex, regardless of one's sexual orientation) who they consider to be attractive. And anyone who has attended a school knows that aesthetic beauty often affects one's social standing within a given group. That is, attractive people are popular. I think few people would argue with these statements. However, the question for me quickly becomes: What is the real value of it? More specifically, is the capital garnered by one's physical attractiveness as useful as one may believe? Also, is this corporeal capital as legitimate as social currency accumulated through other means?
This is not an argument for a move away from valuing aesthetic beauty. I know I love seeing a pretty smile and a nice body as much as the next man. However, I do not imbue power in this beauty to the extent that many of my compatriots might be more apt. Why am I blathering on about this? Well, this is why. For me, aesthetic beauty is nice, but its value wanes after I decide to get to know someone. For me, everyone moves toward the mean. (This is with the assumption that the person is worthwhile.) Unattractive men become more attractive, and attractive men become more mundane. By this function, each group moves toward average though they do not necessarily reach the same point. But, by the sheer virtue of the move toward the mean, attractiveness wanes in value/importance for me.
More often than not, this is not a problem in my relationships, because I value the personality of people that I deal with. And those who are worthy of praise receive and those who earn reproach receive that as well. Most people view this sort of reaction as sensible. However, the guy that I've most recently been involved with thinks that I put insufficient value on the fact that people find him attractive and therefore don't allow him the priveleges of personality deficit that previous men have. Many men allow him to treat them in ways they are not comfortable or will passively approve of his ill behavior because they find him attractive. However, because it has minimal value to me, I have no reason to allow him wiggle room to be a less-than-stellar person. I'm not interested in being associated with or emotionally tied to an attractive person thta I don't like to be around. However, he thinks I am being unfair or spiteful by disallowing him the priveleges tied to attractiveness.
This is where the aforementioned questions related to corporeal capital become critically important. What is the value of this corporeal capital? It is often said that we must "bring something to the table" in a romantic relationship. Is corporeal capital that "something"? Should one be forced to assign it the same weight as a caring heart, vulnerability, openness, and other things of that ilk? I do not argue that it should not be as important or more important than these other traits, for those who choose to assign that value, but I do question an ideology which expects everyone to assign that same value. For me, this is particularly poignant given that age destroys the aesthetic prized by many gays. Gay sex appeal is often characterized by youth, a trait with a constant, inevitable diminishing over time.
Maybe I'm crazy for not giving the value to aesthetic beauty that others assign, but I just prefer more lasting and more telling qualities in people with whom I enter relationships.
This is not an argument for a move away from valuing aesthetic beauty. I know I love seeing a pretty smile and a nice body as much as the next man. However, I do not imbue power in this beauty to the extent that many of my compatriots might be more apt. Why am I blathering on about this? Well, this is why. For me, aesthetic beauty is nice, but its value wanes after I decide to get to know someone. For me, everyone moves toward the mean. (This is with the assumption that the person is worthwhile.) Unattractive men become more attractive, and attractive men become more mundane. By this function, each group moves toward average though they do not necessarily reach the same point. But, by the sheer virtue of the move toward the mean, attractiveness wanes in value/importance for me.
More often than not, this is not a problem in my relationships, because I value the personality of people that I deal with. And those who are worthy of praise receive and those who earn reproach receive that as well. Most people view this sort of reaction as sensible. However, the guy that I've most recently been involved with thinks that I put insufficient value on the fact that people find him attractive and therefore don't allow him the priveleges of personality deficit that previous men have. Many men allow him to treat them in ways they are not comfortable or will passively approve of his ill behavior because they find him attractive. However, because it has minimal value to me, I have no reason to allow him wiggle room to be a less-than-stellar person. I'm not interested in being associated with or emotionally tied to an attractive person thta I don't like to be around. However, he thinks I am being unfair or spiteful by disallowing him the priveleges tied to attractiveness.
This is where the aforementioned questions related to corporeal capital become critically important. What is the value of this corporeal capital? It is often said that we must "bring something to the table" in a romantic relationship. Is corporeal capital that "something"? Should one be forced to assign it the same weight as a caring heart, vulnerability, openness, and other things of that ilk? I do not argue that it should not be as important or more important than these other traits, for those who choose to assign that value, but I do question an ideology which expects everyone to assign that same value. For me, this is particularly poignant given that age destroys the aesthetic prized by many gays. Gay sex appeal is often characterized by youth, a trait with a constant, inevitable diminishing over time.
Maybe I'm crazy for not giving the value to aesthetic beauty that others assign, but I just prefer more lasting and more telling qualities in people with whom I enter relationships.
Saturday, September 23, 2006
Quick Update
Damn, the plan definitely was to blog at least every few days, but life has had me in the bed or otherwise entertaining myself, so I haven't been able to write like I prefer. For starters, my internet decided it didn't want to function for 5 days off and on. Yeah, so I had to call and curse out people at SBC DSL at least once a day, because I'd call, it would come back on, go back off, come back for a few minutes, go back off for a few hours, and I don't like payin for shit that I can't use. ESPECIALLY given the fact that I was trying to download episodes of Noah's Arc initially and some CocoDorm more recently. :-D
That problem is on the road to being solved, but more pressing over the last week has been my toothache-headache-ear ache combo. So Sunday, I started to have an ear ache. I had my mom to look at it and she said there seemed to be fluid in my ear. We were going to deal with that Monday, BUT Monday morning the ear ache was no longer alone. I now had a splitting headache to accompany the ear ache and my bottom left teeth were all throbbing with pain. Initially, I thought it was an infection in my tooth (the same as I thought this time last year), but it is actually a tooth that is giving me issues. I need to get it filled ASAP, cuz oral nerves ain't no punk. And I don't like being laid out in the bed full of pain and pain killers.
With all that said, hopefully, I'll be able to write on the regular now. I'm trying to add a few things to my schedule, so we'll see how that works. I have a new weight bench and I really want to hit it every day, study for the GREs every day, and work on my grad school applications. We'll see how that works out. Hopefully, be back later on today.
That problem is on the road to being solved, but more pressing over the last week has been my toothache-headache-ear ache combo. So Sunday, I started to have an ear ache. I had my mom to look at it and she said there seemed to be fluid in my ear. We were going to deal with that Monday, BUT Monday morning the ear ache was no longer alone. I now had a splitting headache to accompany the ear ache and my bottom left teeth were all throbbing with pain. Initially, I thought it was an infection in my tooth (the same as I thought this time last year), but it is actually a tooth that is giving me issues. I need to get it filled ASAP, cuz oral nerves ain't no punk. And I don't like being laid out in the bed full of pain and pain killers.
With all that said, hopefully, I'll be able to write on the regular now. I'm trying to add a few things to my schedule, so we'll see how that works. I have a new weight bench and I really want to hit it every day, study for the GREs every day, and work on my grad school applications. We'll see how that works out. Hopefully, be back later on today.
Thursday, September 07, 2006
A Marginal Identity - Revisited
Okay, I had previously stated that, for reasons I couldn't necessarily pinpoint, I prefer to be on the fringes of the homosexual community. Watching Wade on Noah's Arc reminded me of how nice it was to be dealing with men without having to subscribe to traditional ideas of homosexuality. But today I really put some thought into it and I really better understand why I prefer a marginal place in the community, as it is popularly described or understood.
The landscape of ideas in the Black gay community is widening, but there are still two major camps, which create popular understandings of a Black gay identity: one invested in n feminized, anti-masculine discourse and one invested in a hyper-masculine, anti-feminine discourse. There are those brothas who fall in the middle, but their numbers don't seem sufficient to really have a dominating voice. In fact, if this middle voice was more prominent, I don't think I would prefer to remain around the fringes of gay life. It seems like you have to be fem or a thug or one begins to question the authenticity of your identity. This is particularly highlighted by the use of female pronouns for men who have a masculine identity but not one sufficient to be a part of the trade/thug crowd, as a way to remind the man that he is not heterosexual nor sufficiently masculine. In my opinion, this reinforces the idea that sex with men diminished one's authentic manhood and what's sad is that this sort of reinforcement (the female pronoun use) is perpetrated by the effeminate homosexual population.
Have we internalized homophobia so much that we believe a man cannot be gay without sacrificing his manhood (unless he adopts a hyper-masculine identity to compensate)? Isn't this reminiscent of another group? More specifically, isn't this reminiscent of the problems of "authentic Blackness"? Blacks who are socially mobile, educated, poised, or otherwise non-ghetto become pariahs and are deemed race-traitors on one level or another. Even if they are not implicated as workers for the other side, they might be labeled a poser (i.e. "trying to be White", "acting White", etc.). And why? Because they don't subscribe to a particular identity that is not them. As much as I know that I'm guilty of having cultural preferences in the people that I deal with (i.e. I prefer to spend time around educated people who have an empathetic connection to a lower class ethnic identity), I would never demand that someone subscribe to the tenets of my particular aesthetic. And this is where my problem comes in with both the Black and Black gay groups: Why can't others define their own identity without threat of a Bush-like "Either you're with us or against us," wherein "with us" is defined by assimilation?
And this is why I'm clawing at a way to return to the margins. Too many groups are demanding a mindless submission to ideas that you had no part in constructing. The American Government. "Authentic" Black people. "The Black Gay Community." I'd rather sit on the outskirts...at least for the moment. Maybe I'll feel the urge to enact change sooner or later. (Knowing me, I probably will.)
The landscape of ideas in the Black gay community is widening, but there are still two major camps, which create popular understandings of a Black gay identity: one invested in n feminized, anti-masculine discourse and one invested in a hyper-masculine, anti-feminine discourse. There are those brothas who fall in the middle, but their numbers don't seem sufficient to really have a dominating voice. In fact, if this middle voice was more prominent, I don't think I would prefer to remain around the fringes of gay life. It seems like you have to be fem or a thug or one begins to question the authenticity of your identity. This is particularly highlighted by the use of female pronouns for men who have a masculine identity but not one sufficient to be a part of the trade/thug crowd, as a way to remind the man that he is not heterosexual nor sufficiently masculine. In my opinion, this reinforces the idea that sex with men diminished one's authentic manhood and what's sad is that this sort of reinforcement (the female pronoun use) is perpetrated by the effeminate homosexual population.
Have we internalized homophobia so much that we believe a man cannot be gay without sacrificing his manhood (unless he adopts a hyper-masculine identity to compensate)? Isn't this reminiscent of another group? More specifically, isn't this reminiscent of the problems of "authentic Blackness"? Blacks who are socially mobile, educated, poised, or otherwise non-ghetto become pariahs and are deemed race-traitors on one level or another. Even if they are not implicated as workers for the other side, they might be labeled a poser (i.e. "trying to be White", "acting White", etc.). And why? Because they don't subscribe to a particular identity that is not them. As much as I know that I'm guilty of having cultural preferences in the people that I deal with (i.e. I prefer to spend time around educated people who have an empathetic connection to a lower class ethnic identity), I would never demand that someone subscribe to the tenets of my particular aesthetic. And this is where my problem comes in with both the Black and Black gay groups: Why can't others define their own identity without threat of a Bush-like "Either you're with us or against us," wherein "with us" is defined by assimilation?
And this is why I'm clawing at a way to return to the margins. Too many groups are demanding a mindless submission to ideas that you had no part in constructing. The American Government. "Authentic" Black people. "The Black Gay Community." I'd rather sit on the outskirts...at least for the moment. Maybe I'll feel the urge to enact change sooner or later. (Knowing me, I probably will.)
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
New beginnings.
I've been blogging for a while, like 10 months, on another site. But I noticed recently that most of the blogs on that site were about bullshit and that all the deep brothas had blogs on Blogger, so I figured I should get with the program.
Some say I'm a difficult brotha to understand, because I have been taught from so many different schools of thought. I was born and raised in a predominantly Black inner city environment. The city smells of poverty, desperation, and death. There's even a dark cloud over the city (literally, because there is so much pollution). But, with all that said, I was also able to get out and study at an Ivy League university. I sat in the Ivory Tower for four years surrounded a wide array of people who spanned many races and ethnicities as well as economic backgrounds.
In another interesting dyad of ideologies, I was raised in the Church of God in Christ and therefore indoctrinated with many ideals of conservativism, spiritual elitism, and religious fundamentalism. Yet, on the other hand, I'm also a well-adjusted and happpy bisexual man, something the COGIC would argue cannot even exist.
A number of other seeming conflicts exist, but I guess you'll get to see those as you get to know me better. But, for now, I need to conk out, cuz I have work in a few hours.
BOOOOO 9-5 jobs. I need a fucking Ph.D.
Some say I'm a difficult brotha to understand, because I have been taught from so many different schools of thought. I was born and raised in a predominantly Black inner city environment. The city smells of poverty, desperation, and death. There's even a dark cloud over the city (literally, because there is so much pollution). But, with all that said, I was also able to get out and study at an Ivy League university. I sat in the Ivory Tower for four years surrounded a wide array of people who spanned many races and ethnicities as well as economic backgrounds.
In another interesting dyad of ideologies, I was raised in the Church of God in Christ and therefore indoctrinated with many ideals of conservativism, spiritual elitism, and religious fundamentalism. Yet, on the other hand, I'm also a well-adjusted and happpy bisexual man, something the COGIC would argue cannot even exist.
A number of other seeming conflicts exist, but I guess you'll get to see those as you get to know me better. But, for now, I need to conk out, cuz I have work in a few hours.
BOOOOO 9-5 jobs. I need a fucking Ph.D.
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