I Love You?

When is it okay to say “I love you”? And, more importantly, how do you even know that you love someone? I guess I should actually pose those questions in the reverse order.

So, first, how do you know if you are in love with someone? I’ve heard some very flowery, sweet descriptions and I don’t quite know if they make sense. Someone once told me (and I once believed) that you knew you loved someone if they were your first thought in the morning and your last thought at night. I recall feeling like this once upon a time. However, in retrospect, it was infatuation. It DEFINITELY wasn’t love. Therefore, that criterion seems insufficient, especially given the fact that the kind of obsessive thinking is akin to a stalker’s mindset.

Another description I’ve heard was that you can’t imagine living without the person you purport to love. I really wonder about this one. I can recall at one point watching a movie and something in the film made me think about the possibility of losing the person I was dealing with at the time. A tear, just one but a tear nonetheless, rolled down my face. It freaked me out. I had to ask myself, “Are you okay, Mot? Are you really shedding a tear behind this?” It really made think. Am I in love? Is this what love feels like?

And then there’s that stuff that happens when you are actually with someone. Is love that feeling you get when you are sleeping next to your boo and they are nestled against you? Is it the feeling you get when you get into bed without your boo and smile, because the bed still smells like them? Is it the feeling that makes you smile so hard when you see one another? Is it that thing that makes me (had to make this one personal) open doors and pay for dinner, even though I don’t even believe in chivalry? I don’t know.

Okay, enough of that. So once you figure out that you are in love, when is it time to say it aloud? Should you wait for your partner to say it first? If so, what happens if you both are waiting for the other person to say it? Should you say it as soon as you feel it? It sounds nice, but then you run the risk of not having it responded to in a way that you like. It may 1. scare the other person away or 2. be met with silence, because the other person just isn’t yet ready to say it in return. Is there a time frame that makes sense for saying it? Should you wait until you’ve been dating for 3 months? Until you’ve been together for 6 months? Until you consummate your relationship? Until you meet the friends?

I’m just shooting these questions out into the universe. I’m not necessarily expecting a particular response or any response at all, but I just had to get these things out of my mind and out into the universe.

Pirates of the...STFU!

I often tell people that I'm shy, even though they rarely believe me. That's mainly because my shyness fades after I'm comfortable and my comfort is clear (to understate the obvious). However, I THINK that I approach conversation in a way which allows for a mutual exchange of ideas, even when I think the person I'm talking to is offering little of use or substance.

With that said, there two kinds of conversationalists who irritated the fuck out of me and I really feel the need to write my thoughts about them (it's cathartic and lets me think things through).

1. THE PIRATE
So, the pirate starts off normal. They ask you how things are going, or they may ask you what you think about something specific. However, the questions are only asked to open up their chance to talk, without seeming like a conversation hog. For example:

"Hey, [pirate]."
"Hey Donnie. How are things with you? I haven't seen you in a bit."
"Ah, things have been cool. Just been studying a lot. This one class..."
"Yeah, I know what you mean. I'm taking 5 classes and they are really tough. First, I'm taking Math 547. I know it's a very hard class, but I like the challenge. I mean BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH.... and BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH"

Now, I'm sure that we've all had times where we've exhibited pirate behavior, because we really wanted to tell someone about something that happened in our lives. And I think that is okay. However, if you feel the need to pirate a conversation EVERY time you speak with other people, you may be a pirate and I may fucking hate talking to you. And if so, I WILL offer you silence or the obligatory "k" "yep" "yeah, thats crazy".

Now, as I began to write about the pirate, a similar yet MORE annoying conversationalist came to mind: the STORY PIRATE. A conversation involving them goes like this.

A: "I heard you had a crazy date, [B]."
C: "Yeah, he did. Tell everybody."
B: "So I met this girl on Myspace and..."
C: "You're taking too long to get to the good parts. So he and the girl BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH."
(ten minutes later)
"So she left in the morning and still had his cell phone in her purse. Isn't that crazy? That actually reminds me of one time when I had a crazy date. BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH."

So whereas the pirate is desperate to tell his/her own story, the story pirate wants to tell your fucking story and they often think that they do it better than you. And worse, it tends to segue into a story of their own.

2. THE FIGHTER
The fighter is also very annoying. They veil themselves as someone who just likes hearty discourse, but in fact, they like to drag out contentious conversations unnecessarily. The conversation starts by them asking you what you think about a subject where you may disagree or by making a comment with which they know you are likely to disagree.

After you express your disagreement, they want to debate. Okay, that's fine. However, I know that I am the sort of person who figures out quickly whether I or the other person are willing to learn from the other person's view or if we are simply trying to get our own points across. In the latter situation, I tend to agree to disagree.

This is where the fighter personality manifests.

They REFUSE to let me agree to disagree. They feel it necessary that someone's point wins out. I often try to offer a centrist view point, and the fighter will demand that I choose a side, even when I've synthesized the points of both sides of the argument. It proves to be so tiresome that I generally have to either end the conversation or pretend to concede. "You know, you're right. Polar bears are racist for covering their black skin with white fur and they should be tried for war crimes. Yes! You are right yet again!"

Both of these groups have irritated me regularly to the point where they have affected my style of conversation. To avoid being a pirate, I tend to listen farrrrr more often than I speak and, due to having dealt with fighters on many occasions, I tend not to even enter conversations where debate may be the outcome. I choose to simply say "hmm" or "that's interesting" rather than expressing my opposing viewpoint, for fear that the next 5 hrs of my life will be spent saying, "I think we simply think differently, and that's okay." I didn't realize this until I was talking to a friend last week and after he rattled off a long rant about a particularly controversial subject, I simply responded, "hmm." He then said, "I'm sure you have an opinion on this. I'm not looking to debate, but I know we differ in opinion. I'm just curious how much we differ."

In closing, damn you, pirates and fighters. You have given me so many annoying conversations that you are now beginning to taint conversations with other people.

Growing Up

So I'm sitting here listening to Jill Scott's beautiful music and reading up on some style notes...to be quite honest, I'm feeling real grown.

There was a time that I had no meaningful interaction with or knowledge of what was required in order to be socially mobile. I knew little about the necessity of muted suit colors. My father often said that your tie should be your fashion statement rather than the suit itself. As a brotha raised in the Church of Gawd in Christ, I was privy to sights like red suits, powder blue suits with overalls for pants, lime green walking suits, matching ties and shirts, cartoon characters on people's ties, and any number of other "interesting" sartorial choices. Because of these fairly regular models, I was soooo unaware that a simple black, navy, or tan suit was much more sensible and (in the circles that mattered most to me) eye-pleasing. I guess I'm playing catch-up now...learning new tie knots (in case I want to use something other than a Windsor), learning the best shoes to match certain color suits, learning the appropriate number of buttons for a suit, when French cuffs are/aren't appropriate, etc.

I guess I really am growing up. I don't think a 14 year old me would have ever guessed that he would end up like me. Then again, I was always bourgie. I just didn't quite know what changes/evolutions that would necessitate.

On the Verge...

OMG, I'm almost 24. In fact, my 24th bday is literally 3 days away. I can't believe I am this old. When I turned 22, I became SUPER DEPRESSED, cuz I felt like I hadn't achieved anything and I was (don't laugh at me) almost 40. Luckily, I am much more sensible at this point. I am not afraid to turn 24, nor do I feel like a failure for not having made a million $$$ yet.

Change

So how's this for change?

My coworkers and I have been doing a "Biggest Loser" competition. Initially, I was afraid that I might hold my team back. HOWEVER, I'm down 15 lbs in one month. There was a point that I didn't like getting on a scale, because I'd rather just wait to see visible results. But I must say that I like regular weigh-ins, because they sometimes offer nice surprises. Last week was a bad week, so I just KNEW I hadn't lost anything, but I still lost 4 lbs. That encouraged me to keep working at it. If not, I probably would've fallen off the wagon. Anyway, 15 down, however many more to go. Let's just pray it doesn't go to my head.

My last day on my current job is Friday. I cannot fucking wait. I love my students/residents to death, but I can no longer work for that place. It's driving me crazy. I have a thousand complaints, but it's not my style to bash in detail. I'll just say that it's no longer a fit for me. I need something different, so I'll be starting a new job in the Office of Diversity and Equity on Feb 11, 2008. That'll surely be a change of pace. It's not psych work at all and I do not have to be in a classroom either. I get to be administrative. Praise the Father for that!

Now I just need a boo. Currently taking apps.

Just Thinkin

You know what I want? A condo near Lake Michigan in downtown Chicago with a blazing view. A man with a killer smile and a comforting embrace. A night together in the condo with a pitcher of mojito, lights out, candles burning, and just watching Chicago be Chicago. Maybe a little Erykah Badu or John Legend playin in the background.